Bye bye May, Hello June!

It's the last few days of May, and I'm still trying to remember how it even got to May, let alone now that it's already ending. Geez, time seriously flies by. This is just ridiculous.

So here I am in California. Beautiful blue skies. Beach winds coming off the surf and gently wash over me, as I sit in the cool sand, book in hand, and staring out into the ocean. And then of course the song by Incubus pops into my head Dig.

"I dig my toes into the sand.
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across the blue plain.
I lean against the wind.
Pretend that I am weightless.
and in this moment I am happy... happy."

Although for the rest of the song, I'll dedicate to my friends, since I don't have a significant other...hehe, of course I wished at that moment all my friends were here. I'm going to miss EVERYONE once I move. It is going to SUCK. No doubt about it. But I'm being selfish, and moving for my happiness. So I mean while it will be hard not having everyone around me anymore, it will bring light to who I am. What I am capable of as an adult. I've never been alone. Never. This will be a test. I know I will be fine, because while in the past I haven't been put to such tests, I know that I am determined to make a life for myself out here. Maybe not permanent. I haven't ruled this move as permanent, I just know that it's what I need to do for now. Maybe two years from now, I may move back, who knows, two years is a ways off, and how do you find out if something will work out, if you don't try it first. So trial and error. I will learn.

I'm excited and completely afraid at the same time. I'm absolutely sure that is the appropriate response for things such as this. It's a huge change in the little Biosphere in which I live. But I'm embracing it.

However, sadly, I've come to the point where I actually like my job more and more, and well the company and it's people are awesome, and I know for a fact that I won't meet people like that at another job, it's a rare find, but I will take it for all it is worth, and keep those who were close as friends with me through my life.

Going to compeletly miss ALL of my friends. Each have contributed to my life in many different ways, all are different from each other, and I loved everyone for that! The best people I have ever have met! It will be so hard knowning I can't meet up for dinner and drinks or that occasional movie and dinner to catch up! Oh man it's going to be hard! But I hope that I will have frequent visitors!! My doors will always be open, and I will definitely rack up my frequent flyer miles!! That I can promise!! I'm getting all faclempt (think Linda Richmond).

I'm going to miss my home - the house I grew up in. All my familiarities. My neighborhood. All things of comfort. And it's not like I can go back and visit my old house and room. There won't be any to visit. It won't be mine anymore. And that gets me upset to think of that. But you have to move on. Those are just material things. I have all the memories I need stored up in my head, I think most of all I'm scared I may forget them, since I won't be around it anymore. That gets me all teary eyed for sure. It sucks. I wish my folks could stay in our house. I love that house, and I know they do too. They worked so hard for it, and it's horrible to know that they won't be able to retire in it. They too have to start over. However, they're move is permanent, mine is or isn't.

I don't know what the future holds. Uncertainty gets me on edge. I don't feel comfortable knowing things aren't going to go as planned, or how I want them to, but I have to prepared to deal with that. I am ready for that end.

Who knows I may hate it here. All I've known is vacationing in California since the age of sixteen. It has been eleven years of visiting the West Coast. All those times I love it, but that's only because I know I go back home to New York. We'll see what happened when there is no home in New York to go back to. The though irks me, but it's what is going to be my reality. I will have to make the best of it. Otherwise what was the whole point of trying someplace new, when I could have easily stayed in Queens something I know backwards, forwards and inside out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely excited to move, I just wish my folks could retire in our home is all. It's going to be hard on them too.

I've planned on moving in September 2007. But who knows if that will be the right month. Everyone keeps asking me, I keep repeating yea, sometime in September. But honestly it all depends on when I start looking for a job, when I get the job, and when I start. It all relies on those factors.

Anyways, I'm working myself up into a tizzy. It's Tuesday night 12:35am PST and I'm stupidly emotional haha.

I have to say I did totally enjoy walking down to the beach, sitting on the sand and reading my book and the waves rolled in. It was absolutely relaxing, and the funny thing was, I didn't mind sitting there alone. It was nice I must admit.

I rarely do things alone. And well it was nice for a change. I got to enjoy some Iris Time.

So tomorrow is another day here. I'm here until Saturday. This is one busy week for me. I'm glad I did make it a full week. Anyways it's about that time. I will probably post back tomorrow.

Peace out cubscouts!

xoxo i.beezy