Just Breathe.

I read this quote today, and well it's pretty true to life I must say...

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

It's a good quote from a movie that I did not see...cus well it seems way too sappy and chick flicky "The Holiday". I'll probably never watch it, but I'm glad I found this quote by accident...hehe

This is exactly how I am feeling lately. That life seems so long ago, yes, I rehashed it and missed things from it. But it's long gone and done with. Yes, I'm glad I went through some of the experiences that came with that relationship, but I'm eager to find something newer and better. Something substantial. I feel like at this point in my life, most of that relationship was immature.

I feel I've grown so much. I think back to how I was, who I was...I'm not the same. I've learned, changed. It's a great feeling to know that you've progressed. Especially after so much of missing, crying, reminiscing...etc. I actually grew tired of reminiscing... It's like okay that was then...this is now... I want now. I value the NOW more than I do the THEN.

I'm actually happy with everything. The happiest I've been in years. No misery, no torment, no annoying stress outside of work related things. It's great.

I can breathe. And I want to inhale the world...haha now I sound like a pothead.

I don't know how to describe it, there really aren't words, it's just a tremendous feeling.

I am my own person. I am as independent as I can get at the moment. I have my own life. I don't revolve around someone else's schedule or life anymore.

I can't believe it's already mid-June. Insane!

September is right around the corner...you know what that means! West Coastage!

There's not much exciting going on in my life lately. Just laying low, relaxing and hanging with my friends when I get a chance, also helping my folks when I am needed (most days).

But other than that, nothing crazy.

I'm ready to date but I've discussed this time and time again, no opportunities. And having a crush that is unattainable is just well plain dumb, but that's where I am at right now.

Celeb crushes and unattainable ones. Blah.

Anyways, its about that time.

G'night folks!

xoxo I.Beezy

New Day, New Life.

Today is a new day.

I woke up this morning...relieved.
Happy about my life.
So glad that my ex is no longer apart of it.
And decided to stop whining about us not being together.
I know, I know what a relief for you not to have to read about it anymore...lol

It's an amazing feeling, a realization how I've changed, grown and progressed in my life, and well he hasn't. And that folks makes me feel 210% more superior with how my life is turning out.

He will forever rehash the same relationship with new girl after new girl. It will always be the same. I however have learned from mine and his mistakes from that relationship that we had (many moons ago).

Wow. This is huge. Like a weight has been lifted. I don't know how this happened overnight but I am so thankful. It totally showed me how much better I am without that kind of immature dramarama in my life. I'm an adult now. I am strong, sucessful, smart, pretty, funny, determined and ambitious. I am more than that as well. I have so much going for myself. And here I was selling my worth short. No more.

I can finally see through the haze that's been hanging over me. Thank you God. Seriously.

I can't emphasize it enough! I'm elated, enthused, every damn word in the dictionary/thesaurus that means happy and relieved.

Haha.

So happy for my friends to be in my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything, which makes my move to Cali hard. But I know they will be there for me, if things get hard. I will always be there for them as well.

So from this day forward I have washed my hands on Al (my ex) Good bye, good riddence.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!

I can't get rid of this smile - it's fantastic.

I can't wait for my new life in California. Everything in my life is wonderful.
I am blessed - I am not a religious person, more spiritual, and well, I just can't thank everything that has brought me to this level and point in my life.

High 5!!

Let the new life begin! Sans drama and BS. haha

xoxo
i.beezy

Quiet.

Sometimes, I just need to keep to myself. I need to think before I act.
Tonight isn't any acception.

So I went to the Deftones' concert. Had a GREAT time.
But when I went to the bathroom, I ran into my ex's gf's friend (whom doesn't know that I know who she is...you got that?) Of course panic sets in..."omg my ex is here, he's here with his gf..." yadda yadda.. - I'm an idiot.
So i text him "hey are you at the deftones concert - saw your gfs friend here" then of course to which I receive a phone call from his gf asking me why I have his number, bla bla bla... FUN TIMES. Of course this doesn't ruin my mood though, or my buzz for that matter... But regardless, I shouldn't have texted him. I'm a moron.
And I should learn from my idiotic mistakes.

This kid needs to get the fuck out of my head and heart.

I hate him. I'm so stupid for texting - I got dragged into their drama, spent 3 <-- count them THREE hours on the phone with his gf...rehashing my relationship with him and her issues with him, and how immature and socially inept, and stubborn he is. Seriously, from what I know this kid hasn't changed one bit, and this poor girl is just my stand in. I feel bad. She's going through the SAME exact relationship I went though AND they're doing the SAME exact things I did with him. It's rather sick if you think about it.

Granted I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. It's been a year and a half. I should really get over it by now. I just can't get over the fact that he's in a relationship with someone and here I am perfectly awesome and yet single. Pfft... shit just boggles the mind. But honestly, I wish I had thought about the reprocussions before going through the motion, but isn't that always the case??

Ugh.

Anyways, so now, do I seem pathetic to her? Probably not, cus I stated my case and reasoning for the text, but to myself...see that's the person who really matters here, I am just pathetic in my own eyes for doing such a thing. I just can't believe I stooped to that level... I should have deleted his number a long time ago. He is no one to me now. Yes, he was someone, to me a LONNNNNNG time ago...but not anymore. He's just a stranger to me now. And it sucks that me and his gf have a common bond. We seriously chatted without argument for 3 hrs. She's really nice, and surprisingly smart, and she knows what she's gotten herself into, however, she is 21 and she is also blinded by love, like I was once.

I didn't say anything bad about him, and I could have. But I didn't. I said he was a great bf when he wanted to be...That I don't really blame him anymore, of course I embellished the fact that I had a significant other, and romantically I was happy...which of all is bogus, but who needs to know!

Regardless, though I do not want him back, he isn't someone I would want now. He was perfect for me when I was growing up, when WE were growing up together, we learned from each other. He will have my heart...but hopefully not for long anymore. First loves are so hard to get over. It's really irritating to me now. Sometimes I just think "why the hell can't I get over him" and it's a rhetorical question, cus I know why, it's because there's no one in my life now who can take that place yet. And well that alone aggitates me. Because, I'm awesome, and deserve someone who is equally great as myself...but he's no where to be found.

Anywaysssss it's 4am my buzz is long gone. I spent so many hours on the phone with this poor girl. Who I shouldn't even be talking to...ha... I know I am ridiculous. Say no more.

Moral of the story... think before you act.

God I wish I had, I could have saved those minutes! haha
This is what I get for being a retard.

"make my bed, and now I'll lie in it..." So the saying goes...

Ceste la vie... Such is life.

I'll live, I wish nothing but happiness for him and his gf. He deserves to be happy, and so do I.

Karma baby... as Justin Timberlake put it... "what goes around comes around..."
So I tried to set things right...

I made it uber clear that I didn't want him - which I definitely don't!!
Ugh, this drama I caused though, could have easily been avoid.

Doh! Next time seriously - there won't be a next time, you can trust me on that!

Alright it's about that time kiddos, Good night...
This retard is out!

xoxo i.beezy.