Xmas and NYE 2008

Twas the friday before the weekend and all through the day
not a creature was stirring - cus they all took vacay
As for the rest - we sit and count the minutes down
thinking of ways to get out of town
last grabs at the mall
hurry up gotta get gifts for all
pretty wrapping, bows and ribbon
damn i forgot the scotchtape
i guess its gift bags i'll be givin'
just a few more days and it'll be time
gather the family around lets all unwind
fill up our bellies with lots of yummy food and treats
come wednesday morning my pants will scream out in defeat!
but that's ok Christmas comes but once a year
We'll keep on eating til New Years without any fear
Cus after that we'll cut down on wine and beer
To my dear friends I wish you the best with lots of cheer!

- An I.Beezy Original

The Big Ehm.Oh.Vee.E

Yep.
That's right kids. I've FINALLY made the move to Californ-i-a.

Insane!

I made the big trip Nov. 9th, 2007.
Started my new job at Sideshow on Nov. 12th.

I'm already working on my third week as a California resident.
It's incredible.
Honestly I haven't been happier. Granted I miss my friends and parents.
But all in all - I've had a good two weeks.

Work is great - I love it there. The people are super nice.
AND it's a great opportunity for me to let my creative juices flow...for once!
It's a little intimidating - since I haven't had to be creative really since college - how sad...but that will change. I will get to develop and create new products all by myself. I'm totally stoked.

As for a car - well I've been renting this little candy apple red Chevy Aveo - eh...it gets me from point A to point B, which is fine.
Hopefully by this week I'll have found the car I'm looking for.
I want a reasonably priced 2004-2006 Toyota Rav4 - in white or silver ;)

Living arrangements - I'm staying with my sister and her boyfriend. Which has been working out ok - We all get along really well. So there hasn't been any conflict - I'm sleeping on a futon she bought for me, which was really sweet of my big sis :)

Friends - well I met some people through Rob - but I don't know if I'll be hanging out with Rob anytime soon - I need for him to calm down and understand that he has NO shot with me...lol Unfortunately he tried to kiss me the one time I hung out - we all went to a pubcrawl for the Big 10 (College Football). It was fun until he tried to put moves on me.. (ew...I'm shuddering) I told him I wasn't interest and that I don't think of him that way and that I'm seeing someone...How many different ways can I get that across? Honestly. Hrrrmmmph!

I'll make some friends. I'm an open person ;)

Boyfriend - Well, lets see. I just got back from San Francisco today - We know who lives there... Luke. :} This was my second trip to see him - I saw him back on October 11th. And now this weekend. I'll write more on him in another blog.

I need to update you since October 11th.

But as for now - it's about my bedtime (how sad... it's only 10:30p)
But I'm wiped from my 8 hour drive today... Yawn, big stretch.

Alright folks, good night til the next blog.

Beezy is Breezy ;]

Leaving the Nest...

A life long dream about to unfold...
This little bird's story is about to be told...
Life has many lessons to be learned...
Today's my first step...
I hope I don't get burned.




______________________________________________
Loving California.
Missing my friends and family.
Working on Week #3 :]

Love.

I found this - I liked it and thought to post it :)
_________________________________________________________

Love is never just love

Love is founded on emotions and built by experience

To think of love as an intrinsic and invisible entity only is naive and shortsighted

Love has its ups and its downs as well as its ins and outs

Love is never the same, like fingerprints and snowflakes it is unique

Love isn't the typecasted actor who can't act out of doing comedies

Love is built by experiences and founded on emotion

_________________________________________________________

ayo to technology...

So over technology.
As in all these annoying networking sites...
Myspace, facebook, friendster..etc.

They're pointless. And just cause stupid drama.
I hate when people take them too seriously, and begin drama on it - it's just pathetic.
You're on that site for a reason, you want people to view your page, you want everyone to get an insight into your shitty life.

Just like a blog. If you want people to read it you'll make it public, otherwise you'll keep it private.

Blah!

Anyways...
Just a thought on that.

I'm so tired of it. What's your myspace url...how about you get a life?
Oh msg me online...
Be my friend online...

blah blah blah...

Grow up people. Pick up a phone. Write a letter. Hang out in person.
If you barely talk online - are these people really your friends?
Granted I have some good friends who I barely speak to - but I've known them for a while and I know where our friendship stands. These friends of mine will forever be in my life and that's the difference with online "friends".

I get irritated when acquaintances want to be friends or say a person I was barely friends with in high school - who suddenly thinks we're BFFs since we're now myspace buds.
Cmon now.

Anyways...
I'm just sick of this kind of technology.
No one gains from it. So what's the point.
I don't learn anything from it.
I just know that you put up pictures from everything you do and that you have 2308270370123821 so-called friends.
That you want people to see into your life, since you didn't make yourself private.
That you start drama on other people's pages.
Seriously folks. Time to grow up. We're not 13 anymore. Most of us are adults.
AND honestly we all need to get perspective and a grip on life itself.

THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN A WEBPAGE!!!

ok that's my gripe for today.

So...

I told my mom about Luke.

She was kind of excited to hear about him. I kind of hesitated, naturally.
You don't want to rush, well I never want to rush to tell my folks about someone I just met, let alone, who I can't even bring to meet my folks...

It took me almost 2 yrs before my folks met Al.
So you can imagine. They never knew any of the other guys I've dated.
They met one by accident. Steve (what a whiney little bitch he was) lol...

Anyways, so I was telling mom about him. And even showed a picture. She thinks he's really really really goodlooking (cue in Zoolander voice) haha
Seriously though, she thought he was goodlooking, and I was like bragging about him, and how smart he is...yadda yadda. She was happy he's educated LOL and can drive. Sadly, this is the same things I was excited over! haha

I get so excited when talking about him. You can see my face light up. It's amazing how much of an effect someone can have on you.

My mom's noticed my moods. She knows I'm bummed about Cali and not moving just yet...the whole set back is not getting a job yet, it's killing me. I just want a job already so I can be on my merry little way to starting a new life.

I've never lived alone, I've never lived out of state. it's going to be exciting. New things - new place, new job, newer car, new love, new people, new life.

I'm totally going to miss everyone here! I really wish I could scoop everyone up and bring them with me...I don't know how I am going to manage without my core group.

Geeves and Clef are my best friends. I'm going to miss them terribly.
That is the only thing I will miss. Being able to just hang out with my girls on a whim... whenever we want. I'm getting all emotional now just thinking about it.

They are my family.

My real family will be out in Cali in no time. Of course I'll miss them for the time being. But my girls won't be moving to the Left coast, they'll be here - I'm going to try to visit them and do trips with them like we do now.

It just sucks.

They are a hugemongaloid part of my life. Man, I'm all teary eyed now.
Deep breaths. Wheewww

Ashly is trying to help me find a job, she even recruited John who just recently relocated to Cali to help me as well. I could use all the help I can get.

I miss Ashly too since she's moved, we chit chat online and such - and we crack eachother up when we're online or in person for that matter. So atleast I have a good friend when I move, but nothing compares to my PEAS - our dynamic is just one that can't be replaced.

Seriously I will be making tons of back and forth trips, along with vacations with my girls.

I also can't wait to begin my life with Luke, to experience new things with someone who is on the same level. Who gets it. We have TONS to learn about each other, but that's ok, that's what makes for a great relationship - keeping things going, you don't want to throw out all your cards at once, you want to learn slowly - keep it new and exciting. I have learned from past mistakes with Al. I won't do those same mistakes again. I will however bring the good parts of what I've learned with me.

I can't wait to see him. Just hug and kiss him. Throw my arms around him and lay on a huge smooch! AHHHHHH! I can't wait. And I know he can't wait either. hehe.

I'm in better spirits - granted this is the week that I chose to "move" Sept 21st came up really fast. I can't believe how fast this month has been.

Before I could blink it's already here. That's the depressing part - knowing that I chose a date, and it's going to pass. I feel like I don't know anything more than I did 2 months ago. So sad and disconcerning. Blah.

Anyways, before I get more down about all this, I'm going to keep it somewhat happy and say good night folks.

xoxo
Beezy's breezy

Selfish.

I know I'm being self centered lately.
Constantly thinking, talking about myself and my own life.
But who else will talk about those things? If not me? ha jk.

I've been having a pretty confusing, stressful, undermining week so far.

The job I wanted - I was denied.
The guy I've been talking to - M.I.A.
The job I currently have - I feel stuck
The move I was planning - on hold until further notice
The confidence I've had - gone
The physical goal I set myself - at a stand still

Honestly what the hell is going on?

Why. Yes, It's selfish to be complaining about these things, but this is what's important in my life at the moment, besides family and friends.

I have nothing going on in my life. I could be pmsing for all I know. But quite frankly, how did everything go from within reach to further away.

A week ago, things felt attainable. Now - not in the least.

I could be overracting, something I do a lot of. But still.

How does this "perfect guy" who tells me all these wonderful things go M.I.A completely? From speaking on the phone all day - everyday - to nothing, not even a single email.

A job which I thought I'd be a shoe in for - completely denied me.

A move which I set out in my head - will just simply have to wait.

All my friends constantly ask me - when I'm moving, when's my move date, when did I give my two weeks notice, when is my new job, where is my new job, where am I going to live...?

I have but one thing to say to all of that...

SHUT THE FUCK UP - and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

I have no idea, and constantly I repeat myself to the same people - I have no idea. YES that's my final answer. It's the only answer that I have at the moment.

I have no idea where my life is going at the moment - Sadly only a few months ago I was in this same boat... How have I returned here?? How?

I thought my life was going somewhere - things were taking off in the right direction... Everything now - is fucked.

I'm really upset by all of it.

California and the people in it, the promises of a new life - all seem to hate me.

I'm in a foul mood.

I've had enough of this week.

Off to bed for me to sulk some more.

This emo kid is out...

I.Beezy - the perpetual loser.

And So It Goes...

Luke said this song is how he feels towards me...
_____________________________________

Billy Joel - And So It Goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.
_____________________________________

Wow.
I believe I've found my soulmate.

Smitten.

To love someone you don't know that well.
To have trust in someone you don't know that well.
To feel security with someone you don't know that well.
To just know - that this someone might be the one.
To have someone feel the exact SAME things as you do.

It all seems crazy, but I just don't know how to explain it.
It's a freak occurance, and I'm running with it, and so is he.

The emotions I feel with him. It's all new. None I've felt before.
Sure I've been in love once - my first love. But honestly this is undescribable.

For the first time in my life, I haven't second guessed myself. I have spoken my mind. It's incredible to find someone who is just as open, honest. I am beside myself.

I am intrigued by him, wanting to know everything there is to know. I want to be in his life - as he does my life.

Kindred spirits - Soulmates - Kismet - Destiny, whatever you want to call it.
I don't know how it happened but honestly - it is a dream come true.

Everything I've been looking for - he really does exists.

All smiles, all the time.

xoxo i.beezy.

Baffled.

Honestly, I don't know how this is possible...

But EVERYTIME, and I mean EVERYTIME that I try to convince myself to get over Luke, and just let it be,
and perhaps not persue this - whatever it is...

He contacts me.

ALWAYS.

How is this possible? How does he know?!

It never fails! I'm completely dumbfounded by this whole thing.

Everytime single time I tell myself, "eh maybe this won't work out, maybe I should just get over it and accept it for what it was, and forget about it..."

He will either leave me a message, email or call me.

I don't know if it's some kind of voodoo trick or what!?

But I'm totally bugging out all morning.

Last night I was kind of bummed and feeling lonely, but of course I thought about him, and was trying to sway myself into not thinking about him, which is well counterproductive as well know. So all night I'm tossing and turning thinking these things to myself:

"Don't think about him, let it go. It probably won't work out. It's too complicated. You don't know what he's up to over there. You might as well just accept it for what it was worth, and be glad you met someone awesome for once. Yes, it sucks that he's so far away, but maybe he's far for a reason. Maybe it's not supposed be..."

Then of course he contacts me. He leaves a message on my voicemail - Saying he was feeling sentimental and had to call me that he was thinking about me, and he misses me.

Sigh.

How can I feel this way about someone I know so little about?!?
And vice versa.

How!?!

I think about him a lot. I miss him. I just want to throw my arms around him and kiss him.
I haven't had this feeling in a very long time, if I've even ever had this feeling before.
I loved Al, but this is just different. I feel differently for Luke. Different in a wonderfully fantasticals kind of way!

Ok, that was gay.

I.Beezy out.

Arg. Frustration.

So trying not to obsess has only resulted in obsessing.

Whatever I've done today, whatever I've seen today, whatever I've heard today...
has all reminded me indirectly and directly of Luke.

Arg.

I'm trying not to think about him.

Because well, it's nothing serious, granted he's said some serious things to me. There is however, no foundation, no commitment.

I don't know what to think, if to think anything at all for that matter.

I like him, I like what I know, have met and seen.

But I don't know him - the kind of knowing someone that comes with dating...
I don't know those things, I know facts, and humor, and thoughts, but I do not know deep rooted things of his past, and vice versa, and I wouldn't even know how to begin a conversation via phone or email with those kinds of topics.

Things are totally different in person, the way someone acts, reacts, facial expressions, it's easier to let your guard down in person, because you can see how the other person interacts with you.

I feel disconnected from reality in a way, I hate this communication only via phone or email. I need more.

I'm a people person, I need to touch, talk, look, smell, etc... I need to use my senses.

I don't know what to think.
I don't know what he's thinking - I know what he's told me he's thinking but people say a lot of things. Sometimes, life gets in the way.

I feel like if he's supposed to be in my life he will be no matter what.
He came into my life for a reason. He changed my view of things, which is great. But I don't want that to be the last of his impression. I get scared that it might be.

Sometimes, I think about the future. I can see him in it. I can see him there a long time. I am comfortable with him. I'm myself on the phone and in emails. I don't hold back how I feel - so that is a good thing, I held back a lot with Al. I promised I wouldn't do that again. And so far I haven't even though we're nothing more than acquaintences at this point.

I do need a foundation. I need this to build up if it's going to work. If he also wants it to work, which he's stated he has, but we'll see. Actions speak louder than words. This phrase will constantly come up in my blogs because I believe very heavily in it. It is complete truth.

I have been worrying about my future lately.

I get upset at the thought of being alone. I don't mean completely alone, I will always have my family and friends, however I do mean alone as far as romance.

I'm twenty-seven years old. I'm not getting any younger, I'm not getting any better looking. And I get nervous that most guys I know usually go for girls who are youger, who are gorgeous, who have fantastic bodies. I cannot compete with those girls. I am who I am. I don't have legs for miles, I don't have a cute little button nose, or thick wavy hair.

I am me. Flaws and all, and I am REAL.

I am smart, I am funny, I am a quirky kind of pretty, and I am curvy.

I get nervous that I won't find anyone who can be true to me. It's hard to trust. But I know if the right person can prove to me he's worth it, then I'll let down my guard. I get so scared though. I hate the feeling of utter lost and heartache. Absolutely hate it.

It's the worst. But if you don't allow people in, you cannot experience those great things in life. You will not feel love.

With love comes pain. With pain comes love.

My future right now is uncertain.
The only thing I can do right now is go with the flow of things. So far, this flow of things hasn't let me down. We shall see as time goes on.

As for now, good night folks.

I.Beezy out.

Miss you.

You're far from me now
But thoughts of you linger
A smile creeps upon my lips
Memories of a night
One of sheer bliss
Soft caressing
Pure longing
My body craves you
Deep from within
Give me one touch
Perhaps even one kiss
The sweetest of feelings
All of which I deeply miss

Just Breathe.

I read this quote today, and well it's pretty true to life I must say...

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

It's a good quote from a movie that I did not see...cus well it seems way too sappy and chick flicky "The Holiday". I'll probably never watch it, but I'm glad I found this quote by accident...hehe

This is exactly how I am feeling lately. That life seems so long ago, yes, I rehashed it and missed things from it. But it's long gone and done with. Yes, I'm glad I went through some of the experiences that came with that relationship, but I'm eager to find something newer and better. Something substantial. I feel like at this point in my life, most of that relationship was immature.

I feel I've grown so much. I think back to how I was, who I was...I'm not the same. I've learned, changed. It's a great feeling to know that you've progressed. Especially after so much of missing, crying, reminiscing...etc. I actually grew tired of reminiscing... It's like okay that was then...this is now... I want now. I value the NOW more than I do the THEN.

I'm actually happy with everything. The happiest I've been in years. No misery, no torment, no annoying stress outside of work related things. It's great.

I can breathe. And I want to inhale the world...haha now I sound like a pothead.

I don't know how to describe it, there really aren't words, it's just a tremendous feeling.

I am my own person. I am as independent as I can get at the moment. I have my own life. I don't revolve around someone else's schedule or life anymore.

I can't believe it's already mid-June. Insane!

September is right around the corner...you know what that means! West Coastage!

There's not much exciting going on in my life lately. Just laying low, relaxing and hanging with my friends when I get a chance, also helping my folks when I am needed (most days).

But other than that, nothing crazy.

I'm ready to date but I've discussed this time and time again, no opportunities. And having a crush that is unattainable is just well plain dumb, but that's where I am at right now.

Celeb crushes and unattainable ones. Blah.

Anyways, its about that time.

G'night folks!

xoxo I.Beezy

New Day, New Life.

Today is a new day.

I woke up this morning...relieved.
Happy about my life.
So glad that my ex is no longer apart of it.
And decided to stop whining about us not being together.
I know, I know what a relief for you not to have to read about it anymore...lol

It's an amazing feeling, a realization how I've changed, grown and progressed in my life, and well he hasn't. And that folks makes me feel 210% more superior with how my life is turning out.

He will forever rehash the same relationship with new girl after new girl. It will always be the same. I however have learned from mine and his mistakes from that relationship that we had (many moons ago).

Wow. This is huge. Like a weight has been lifted. I don't know how this happened overnight but I am so thankful. It totally showed me how much better I am without that kind of immature dramarama in my life. I'm an adult now. I am strong, sucessful, smart, pretty, funny, determined and ambitious. I am more than that as well. I have so much going for myself. And here I was selling my worth short. No more.

I can finally see through the haze that's been hanging over me. Thank you God. Seriously.

I can't emphasize it enough! I'm elated, enthused, every damn word in the dictionary/thesaurus that means happy and relieved.

Haha.

So happy for my friends to be in my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything, which makes my move to Cali hard. But I know they will be there for me, if things get hard. I will always be there for them as well.

So from this day forward I have washed my hands on Al (my ex) Good bye, good riddence.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!

I can't get rid of this smile - it's fantastic.

I can't wait for my new life in California. Everything in my life is wonderful.
I am blessed - I am not a religious person, more spiritual, and well, I just can't thank everything that has brought me to this level and point in my life.

High 5!!

Let the new life begin! Sans drama and BS. haha

xoxo
i.beezy

Quiet.

Sometimes, I just need to keep to myself. I need to think before I act.
Tonight isn't any acception.

So I went to the Deftones' concert. Had a GREAT time.
But when I went to the bathroom, I ran into my ex's gf's friend (whom doesn't know that I know who she is...you got that?) Of course panic sets in..."omg my ex is here, he's here with his gf..." yadda yadda.. - I'm an idiot.
So i text him "hey are you at the deftones concert - saw your gfs friend here" then of course to which I receive a phone call from his gf asking me why I have his number, bla bla bla... FUN TIMES. Of course this doesn't ruin my mood though, or my buzz for that matter... But regardless, I shouldn't have texted him. I'm a moron.
And I should learn from my idiotic mistakes.

This kid needs to get the fuck out of my head and heart.

I hate him. I'm so stupid for texting - I got dragged into their drama, spent 3 <-- count them THREE hours on the phone with his gf...rehashing my relationship with him and her issues with him, and how immature and socially inept, and stubborn he is. Seriously, from what I know this kid hasn't changed one bit, and this poor girl is just my stand in. I feel bad. She's going through the SAME exact relationship I went though AND they're doing the SAME exact things I did with him. It's rather sick if you think about it.

Granted I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. It's been a year and a half. I should really get over it by now. I just can't get over the fact that he's in a relationship with someone and here I am perfectly awesome and yet single. Pfft... shit just boggles the mind. But honestly, I wish I had thought about the reprocussions before going through the motion, but isn't that always the case??

Ugh.

Anyways, so now, do I seem pathetic to her? Probably not, cus I stated my case and reasoning for the text, but to myself...see that's the person who really matters here, I am just pathetic in my own eyes for doing such a thing. I just can't believe I stooped to that level... I should have deleted his number a long time ago. He is no one to me now. Yes, he was someone, to me a LONNNNNNG time ago...but not anymore. He's just a stranger to me now. And it sucks that me and his gf have a common bond. We seriously chatted without argument for 3 hrs. She's really nice, and surprisingly smart, and she knows what she's gotten herself into, however, she is 21 and she is also blinded by love, like I was once.

I didn't say anything bad about him, and I could have. But I didn't. I said he was a great bf when he wanted to be...That I don't really blame him anymore, of course I embellished the fact that I had a significant other, and romantically I was happy...which of all is bogus, but who needs to know!

Regardless, though I do not want him back, he isn't someone I would want now. He was perfect for me when I was growing up, when WE were growing up together, we learned from each other. He will have my heart...but hopefully not for long anymore. First loves are so hard to get over. It's really irritating to me now. Sometimes I just think "why the hell can't I get over him" and it's a rhetorical question, cus I know why, it's because there's no one in my life now who can take that place yet. And well that alone aggitates me. Because, I'm awesome, and deserve someone who is equally great as myself...but he's no where to be found.

Anywaysssss it's 4am my buzz is long gone. I spent so many hours on the phone with this poor girl. Who I shouldn't even be talking to...ha... I know I am ridiculous. Say no more.

Moral of the story... think before you act.

God I wish I had, I could have saved those minutes! haha
This is what I get for being a retard.

"make my bed, and now I'll lie in it..." So the saying goes...

Ceste la vie... Such is life.

I'll live, I wish nothing but happiness for him and his gf. He deserves to be happy, and so do I.

Karma baby... as Justin Timberlake put it... "what goes around comes around..."
So I tried to set things right...

I made it uber clear that I didn't want him - which I definitely don't!!
Ugh, this drama I caused though, could have easily been avoid.

Doh! Next time seriously - there won't be a next time, you can trust me on that!

Alright it's about that time kiddos, Good night...
This retard is out!

xoxo i.beezy.

Bye bye May, Hello June!

It's the last few days of May, and I'm still trying to remember how it even got to May, let alone now that it's already ending. Geez, time seriously flies by. This is just ridiculous.

So here I am in California. Beautiful blue skies. Beach winds coming off the surf and gently wash over me, as I sit in the cool sand, book in hand, and staring out into the ocean. And then of course the song by Incubus pops into my head Dig.

"I dig my toes into the sand.
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across the blue plain.
I lean against the wind.
Pretend that I am weightless.
and in this moment I am happy... happy."

Although for the rest of the song, I'll dedicate to my friends, since I don't have a significant other...hehe, of course I wished at that moment all my friends were here. I'm going to miss EVERYONE once I move. It is going to SUCK. No doubt about it. But I'm being selfish, and moving for my happiness. So I mean while it will be hard not having everyone around me anymore, it will bring light to who I am. What I am capable of as an adult. I've never been alone. Never. This will be a test. I know I will be fine, because while in the past I haven't been put to such tests, I know that I am determined to make a life for myself out here. Maybe not permanent. I haven't ruled this move as permanent, I just know that it's what I need to do for now. Maybe two years from now, I may move back, who knows, two years is a ways off, and how do you find out if something will work out, if you don't try it first. So trial and error. I will learn.

I'm excited and completely afraid at the same time. I'm absolutely sure that is the appropriate response for things such as this. It's a huge change in the little Biosphere in which I live. But I'm embracing it.

However, sadly, I've come to the point where I actually like my job more and more, and well the company and it's people are awesome, and I know for a fact that I won't meet people like that at another job, it's a rare find, but I will take it for all it is worth, and keep those who were close as friends with me through my life.

Going to compeletly miss ALL of my friends. Each have contributed to my life in many different ways, all are different from each other, and I loved everyone for that! The best people I have ever have met! It will be so hard knowning I can't meet up for dinner and drinks or that occasional movie and dinner to catch up! Oh man it's going to be hard! But I hope that I will have frequent visitors!! My doors will always be open, and I will definitely rack up my frequent flyer miles!! That I can promise!! I'm getting all faclempt (think Linda Richmond).

I'm going to miss my home - the house I grew up in. All my familiarities. My neighborhood. All things of comfort. And it's not like I can go back and visit my old house and room. There won't be any to visit. It won't be mine anymore. And that gets me upset to think of that. But you have to move on. Those are just material things. I have all the memories I need stored up in my head, I think most of all I'm scared I may forget them, since I won't be around it anymore. That gets me all teary eyed for sure. It sucks. I wish my folks could stay in our house. I love that house, and I know they do too. They worked so hard for it, and it's horrible to know that they won't be able to retire in it. They too have to start over. However, they're move is permanent, mine is or isn't.

I don't know what the future holds. Uncertainty gets me on edge. I don't feel comfortable knowing things aren't going to go as planned, or how I want them to, but I have to prepared to deal with that. I am ready for that end.

Who knows I may hate it here. All I've known is vacationing in California since the age of sixteen. It has been eleven years of visiting the West Coast. All those times I love it, but that's only because I know I go back home to New York. We'll see what happened when there is no home in New York to go back to. The though irks me, but it's what is going to be my reality. I will have to make the best of it. Otherwise what was the whole point of trying someplace new, when I could have easily stayed in Queens something I know backwards, forwards and inside out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely excited to move, I just wish my folks could retire in our home is all. It's going to be hard on them too.

I've planned on moving in September 2007. But who knows if that will be the right month. Everyone keeps asking me, I keep repeating yea, sometime in September. But honestly it all depends on when I start looking for a job, when I get the job, and when I start. It all relies on those factors.

Anyways, I'm working myself up into a tizzy. It's Tuesday night 12:35am PST and I'm stupidly emotional haha.

I have to say I did totally enjoy walking down to the beach, sitting on the sand and reading my book and the waves rolled in. It was absolutely relaxing, and the funny thing was, I didn't mind sitting there alone. It was nice I must admit.

I rarely do things alone. And well it was nice for a change. I got to enjoy some Iris Time.

So tomorrow is another day here. I'm here until Saturday. This is one busy week for me. I'm glad I did make it a full week. Anyways it's about that time. I will probably post back tomorrow.

Peace out cubscouts!

xoxo i.beezy

allow myself to introduce...uh...myself.

I was a hyper-active child, that hasn't changed.
I had the baddest motorized Big Wheel in town.
I went clubbing at the age of 6, thanks to my big sister.
My parents have been in love for 40 yrs, I look forward to having that too one day.
I had the most latenesses and abscences in both the entire Elementary and Junior High Schools that I attended.
I inherited my lateness from my Mommy.
People thought I was Punky Brewster when I was little.
I can sit and watch Discovery Channel and Animal Planet all day.
Admitted Science Nerd (but i keep it on the down low).
I like to find out how everything works.
I can name the breed of most any dog that I see on the street. Should have been a Vet.
Grew up with my two boy cousins Getty and Dave (hi guys!).
We used to play WWF - fun times.
I punched a boy named Jimmy in the face when I was in 7th Grade. He kept making fun of me.
If you see him now, tell him I'd do it again if I saw him...haha.
I used to be a little trouble maker - still am.
Favorite Muppets are Animal and Cookie Monster - hate Elmo.
Hot Wheels, Legos and Transformers over Barbie any day.
I sold my Barbies at a Garage Sale at age 10.
Stapled my fingers together by accident once.
I can do a pretty good Russian accent.
I hate White Chocolate. ew.
Smarter than I Let On.
Love to Dance.
I love Hockey and Football, especially going to watch it live.
I love going to Concerts!
I have found and lost my First Love, I would like to find and keep my Last Love.
I can Boogieboard with the best of them.
I will be West Coast Bound real soon.
I am determined to learn how to Surf.
I love to learn new and old things.
Rough houser.
I can Ski pretty well, I'm eager to Snowboard.
Sarcastic.
LOVE to TRAVEL!
Absolutely love love love Roller Coasters!
Music soothes my soul.
I want to Sky Dive!!!
Not Afraid to Make an Ass Out of Myself.
Loud.
Silly.
I've Swam with Sharks in the Caribbean.
Hate Bugs.
I'm good at Ping Pong, horrible at Beer Pong.
I love PUMA.
I hate tying my shoes.
I still use the Bunny Ears Method to tie my shoes.
I still have my Baseball Card Collection.
Wanted to be an Anthropologist.
An African Safari is on my Must-Do List.
Almost became a tennis pro - that dream was shutdown.
Art is my life.
I train surf, I skeeze the Subway.
Almost Drowned in Mexico.
Not Afraid to Answer Questions.
I'll tell you if you have a booger hanging out.
I'm very Observant.
I'm a Mintaholic.
I can solve the Rubik's Cube and Rubik's Triangle.
Love Spontaneity!
I love Bubblegum, but it gives me a headache after a while of chewing.
I love love love Bear Hugs!
I love Cartoons.
I love Prosecco.
FIRENZE.
I like people (sometimes).
Never had a Cavity.
Don't have any Tattoos.
I don't mind the smell of Gasoline, Rubber Cement or Sharpies.
I like who I am becoming.
I'm a big kid at heart.
I know a little of everything and a lot of nothing.

(all the above is true.)

xoxo i.beezy

time flies...

so i sat down and actually counted...
it has officially been one year and four months since me and my ex boyfriend broke up. Which also means he's made it to one year in a new relationship.

I don't know what's worse? Knowing he's capable of finding love with someone else, or knowing that I have yet to meet someone better than him. I think the latter for sure. It's horrible knowing that I haven't found anyone. I'm not even that picky. There are just no opportunities. No matter where I go. I never get hit on, sure I get occasional looks here and there, but nothing else. I never see anyone cute on the train. No one at work who is good looking is straight. None of my friends have single guy friends, they themselves are searching as well. Just gets me frustrated.
Hmph.

I really hope things are different in California. I'm almost thirty for christ's sake! It makes me tre sad.

Honestly I haven't met anyone. I don't know what to do. I sit home nothing happens, I go out nothing happens. I don't want to even think about the fact that I may end up alone for the rest of my life, its disturbing. I want a family. Not a test tube baby or to adopt and raise on my own. That's not the kind of life I want.

I'm plenty busy with my life. I barely have time for myself. They always say "you meet someone when you least expect it, when you're busy doing something else" okay, so now, what happens when you're doing that something else, and that "someone" i'm supposed to meet hasn't shown up? Hmm...apparently no one thought about that half of the equation. Grr

So what now?

Random thought. It's just been really pissing me off, knowing that someone like my ex boyfriend is as happy as a pig in mud. And here I am still searching for that somebody that will rock my socks.

One year and four months.

In less than 6 months, I will be moving to California. Maybe things will work out there, but if they don't what do I do then?

Ugh, I hate living with uncertainty. I need to know! Tell Me!

Anyways, it's late and I should get to bed. Gnite stupid bizarro world where idiots run a muck in fields of happiness while us awesome individuals hang our heads low and hope for something better. Le Sigh.

Peace out cubscouts.

xoxo i.beezy

speaks to the soul...

Ok recently I downloaded this song by Chris Daughtry
The song is called Over You.
And well the lyrics are very fitting.
------------------------------------
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
------------------------------------
Just thought I'd share. :)

xoxo i.beezy

dating can be your friend...

unfortunately it's not mine.

So let's see, it has been just about 1 yr and change now, since I've been in a real relationship - with my first love aka my ex.

After my ex, I dated around, nothing lasting longer than a week, if that - then I met someone through a friend. He was a breath of fresh air at the time. He was a little too immature sometimes, and well had some issues, I guess that comes along with trying to date a comedian. Stupid me.

So we dated for a lil bit (May - Oct) obviously that didn't last, I don't think it was ever going to last - I blame it on loneliness.

So basically the last time that I was dating someone was back in Oct 2006.

I hadn't dated anyone after him - I decided I needed some alone time.

I ended up doing what I normally do - just hanging out with my friends, having fun, enjoying my life.

I have been away from the dating scene for a good couple months.
Somewhat intentionally - eh I guess not really. It's not like I locked myself away or anything. I do go to the same types of places. I've never had intensions of finding someone, and well I guess that's a normal occurance in my life anyway. I've never been the kind of girl who randomly makesout with someone at the end of the night - that's only happened three times in my life, and I don't take guys home - I'm not a one night stand type of girl, granted I've done that - definitely not proud of it, but I feel like I let myself down when I have done that, because what it comes down to is that has never been me, and so why keep doing it.

Anyways...
Recently, I wanted to date again, because sometimes you get lonely.

I always go out with my friends, we have a great time. I'm not complaining about that. I just miss those boyfriend-girlfriend things. Like just hanging out with your significant other watching tv/dvd/movies, or going on a mini roadtrip/vacation, cuddling, acting silly, just roaming the city hand-in-hand, kissing, etc. Simple things like that.

And well with turning 27 this year - I'm not getting any younger. I thought I would have been engaged by now. Funny how things don't work out the way you think they will. Don't get me wrong I am not bitter about not being engaged or anything like that, I'm just sad that at this age I can't even find a normal person to just date and have fun with. It's rather pathetic. In a city FULL of people - many who are single - it's just frustrating that not one person is even worth the time. And that pisses me off, because one of the last things my ex had said was "good luck trying to find someone as good as I was" - gets me so irritated. Because he wasn't that great. If he was - we'd still be together. Unfortnately, I have yet to find anyone who compares - rather disconcerting.

Anywho...

Since I rarely get approached at the places that I do venture out to and on the rare ocassion when I do - the guys are such arrogant losers, and also for the fact that none of my friends have guy friends to set me up with, I took "dating" into my own hands and I decided to give the internet a shot (again - ugh).

I put myself on a couple free online dating sites:(don't laugh)
Lavalife, Yahoo Personals, Okcupid.com

I received plenty of feedback from guys, but none of whom were what I am looking for. Many were much older (35-40) and of course most weren't attractive. Of the ones that I did find attractive and contacted, well maybe 3 were remotely interesting.

So I ended up deleting all my profiles and images from those online dating sites. Except one, okcupid.com - which I still have a profile on. I found three guys on there who were somewhat interesting, and well not bad looking either.

However, two of them are young.
One is 23 (way too young) and the other 25.
But I figured why not, it's just the internet, we can atleast chat online - no harm in that.

So here's the info on these guys from what I knew of them online.
Bachelor #1 is 27, really cute in pictures, smart, great story teller, well traveled, lives in Bklyn, has an interesting job, and speaks 3-4 languages.

Bachelor #2 is 25, not bad looking, studying to be a lawyer, lives in the city, interesting to chat with online.

Bachelor #3 is 23, cute, much taller than me at 6 ft., but lives in PA. We're very similiar though, from what I've gathered in online conversation - he's silly and sarcastic and plays sports.

---------------------------------

Well, I ended up meeting Bachelor #1 on Tuesday.
Let me just say, he seemed more confident in his pictures, and so I was a little let down by that, because I like confident guys - it's a turn on. And well, he kind of seemed a lil on the "gentle" side. Also, he's a little serious, which bored me.

On a first date, you don't want to feel like you're sitting in a lecture hall back in college - not my cup of tea. So I got distracted, and well entertained myself by ripping pieces of paper and throwing them into my empty Starbucks cup. Yes, I know it's rude, but honestly, I need to keep myself busy, otherwise I would have fallen asleep. I know he picked up on my bored vibe, because before I knew it he stopped talking about the history of bla bla bla, and begin ripping pieces of paper with me - haha.

He was really nice though. I feel bad, but I don't know personally the guy he portrayed in the pictures seemed to be more of my type, and well the guy in person - fell short. I may give him another chance, because what if he was having an "off" day. We'll see...

---------------------------------

So yesterday, Friday, I went out with Bachelor #2...
We met up and when he was walking towards me, I thought, well this guy is much better looking in person than his pictures - AND THEN the accent showed up. I get turned off by accents. Especially if they remind me of a family member's accent. He really reminded me of my cousin Andrew who has the same accent.

And well, he was rather serious in person too. He's a law student, so he was talking some legal jargon, which bored me half to death. So I started to space out. And he caught that, I blamed it on being tired, which was true, I was somewhat dying down from the work week, but I mean if he wasn't talking about child predators and legal issues in Florida, I would have been more interested in his conversation, instead of checking out the skateboarders in Union Square. Granted, he was a nice kid, just not for me. I feel bad. It's not his fault. Well, ok yea, it was. Haha now I'm just being mean.

---------------------------------

I don't know what it is.
Is it me?
Am I not smart enough to feel enticed by these kinds of conversations?

I know the basics of law, I took law classes in college, so it's not some foreign topic. I like history and learning but I don't find it fitting for first date conversation. I just don't get it. And personally I don't find politics a fun topic either, I never have, and most likely - I never will.

Maybe I need to date guys who are dumber than I am? Haha So I feel superior? Nah, that's not it. I need someone who's not boring. These guys are on the boring side, I feel like they don't know how to let loose.

I am definitely on the immature side as far as most people my age go, but that's not to say I can't also be serious when the time is right.

These guys definitely don't have that "wow" factor I am looking for. I'm not impressed. I need someone who's balanced, can be totally silly, and when the ocassion calls for it can tone it down and be serious.

I hope that's not asking for too much, otherwise I'm fucked.

So I've decided that online dating is not for me.

I've given this online dating thing about a months worth. And whomever I'm looking for, he isn't on an online dating site waiting for me.

I'm going to delete my profile off okcupid.com. I am done with it. There is no point for me to try it again. It didn't work when I was newly single and gave it ago, and I doubt it'll work after.

So, good-bye to online dating - you won't be missed.

xoxo i.beezy

Aloof.

Created from a random twist
a light is brought forth
casting shadows upon a deserted hallway
few have followed down this path
reminents of a day dream
caught up in the surreal
shaken by the subconscious
yearning for guidance
alone.
hollowing images project through your mind
escaping the parallels of the norm
waking - would distrupt this subliminal state
existing between two worlds
neither here, nor there.

One.

Hearts beating rapidly
tangled into each other
eyes locking
igniting the flames within
burning fast
overwhelming passions
their bodies as one

Anger Management...

--------------------------------------
Many things here come and go
One wrong step
Tempers flare
For reasons unknown
Fighting to keep this anger at bay
Take deep breaths
Insignificant rage
These muddled thoughts
Calm-it's what I long for
In. Out. Slowing the beats
Pacing the speed
Just let it go....
This environment, so unforgiving
Triggering the unnecessary
Such bitterness
Walking timebombs on every corner
A lost city with souless people
Dragging, pulling, pounding
Beating you to the ground
Happier times have been had
Those days, unappreciated and long forgotten.
--------------------------------------

Lately, I feel like I've outgrown this city. Twenty-seven years of living in the same place. All is different yet the same. Days melt into each other. Plans grow to become routine. Boredom sets in. I need to leave to appreciate all the things that make up this city. I do love it. I'm glad I was born and raised here, I wouldn't have had it any other way. But I feel like with time, and age, just like your skin grows thin, so does this city's charm. This city is falling apart. Thinking back years ago, pre-911, life was much better. Granted, I'm stating the obvious. But before that day I had never thought I'd ever want to leave the greatest city in the world - New York City.

Time has past. My life has changed. Feelings like the seasons come and go, and just like that I've decided it is time for me to explore. To call somewhere else home.

To start new.

I know I will be leaving many great memories behind here. Memories which i hold dear, and memories which hurt. But those memories are all mine, and I will have them as long as I stay sound in mind.

It's hard to even begin thinking back to a few years ago. My life was definitely different. Had I stayed on that path, I'd most likely be miserable, and pretend to be happy.

Now. I am happy. Happy about my life's choices that have lead me here, so far. Granted much is lacking in the dating department, but besides that - all is fantastic. I couldn't be happier.

I've learned from it all. And I'm learning still.

My life is no where near where I'd like it to be, however for now, I guess it's just right.

So I'll leave this entry the way it is.

Goodnight.

-I.Beezy

It's so emo.

---------------------------------------------------

dark clouds roll in
the blackened sky falls
awakened by tears
shattered against the walls
 shadows dance
everything fades fast
listen for the crows
their ghastly cries
the seasons pass
in a blink of an eye
the life around us 
all slowly dies
lives are lost
turned to dust
swept by the wind
carried away
never heard of again.

by i.beezy 

---------------------------------------------------

 

Misery...

What you ask is "it"? 
 Misery.
Does misery like company?

I walk through Penn Station on a daily basis, I stand to the side, waiting for my train home, just like everyone else. People watching...I observe everyone from the sidelines. People rushing to catch their trains home. People running, practically knocking others down to get to their track, and then realizing they're 2 seconds too late, the train doors have closed. They curse under their breath, because now, they have to wait an annoying 20 more minutes until the next train comes along.

I stand there watching. I merely lean against the wall quietly, and watch. Sounds rather creepy, huh? But that's what I do I people watch, it's like watching the Animal Planet. You see the hurds, like  wildebeests migrating across the Serengeti. You see so many people. So many different types of people. Different colors, different shapes, different sizes, different types of clothes, from all walks of life...etc...but ALL of these different people have TWO things in COMMON:

1. They're all rushing to get home.
2. They all have this one common MISERABLE look on their faces.

My questions:
-Does this city drain people of happiness?
I rarely see people happy and smiling. I mean come on now, you're going home.

-Does work drain you?
For me, I believe so...(not anymore...lol)

-Does this city take your soul?
Hmm...perhaps. Or maybe I do? Muahaha...

...but seriously folks...

Misery. Does it love company?
So many of these people share this same common facial expression/emotion.

I, for one have that same exact miserable look on my face while waiting for the train or riding it for that matter.
We all do.

And you know what, when someone just as miserable looking as you comes along and stands next to you on the platform or sits/stands next to you on the train, your first thought is: "Why the fuck are you standing/sitting so close to me, go do that somewhere else, go bother someone else...leave me alone!" 

It's never:

-Hey you miserable bastard, please talk to me
-I would love it if you hovered next to me, with your stinky ass
-I love that you refuse to use deodorant
-I love how you perspire even when it's 20 below outside...
-I love the way your dandruff flutters down off your shoulders and onto my jacket sleeve...
-I love that you forgot to wash your hair and I can SMELL the greasies off your head because you are that close to me...
-No fat bastard...please stare at my tits...it will only make my day that much better...
-Please pan-handler...Ask me for money...Oh...oh ask ME!!
-Hey annoying kid please pick your nose and rub it on my pant leg...I wouldn't want it anywhere else
-Oh I would love it if next time you coughed/sneezed directly onto my face, rather than just in my general area...
-Hey homeless dude, maybe you should start bottling your urine, I just can't get enough of the smell...Please waft it in my direction...
-Hey incompetent parent...please make your child scream/cry louder, no no it's okay, it will only help this headache I have...

And...right there...my friends...is proof, that MISERY...DOES NOT LIKE COMPANY... haha.