midnight mental rendevouz

a friend of mine
partner in crime
lover in due time
chills running up my spine
bodies that intertwine
the ties that bind

rollercoaster life anyone?

one minute i'm up...the next i'm down...

so guess who's single again?
take a wilddddd guess...
no? not sure?
yup... me.

AGAIN.

wtf.

So i liked this guy a lot.
he was perfect - so i thought
i knew something had to be wrong with him...
he was too perfect... - he was everything i'd been looking for...everything...
and guess where he falls short - completely short - in the emotionally available department.
i found it...i was looking for the defect... and i found it.

he's emotionally unavailable...and i don't know why.

i didn't do anything to trigger it.
things on my end were fine.

he just out of the blue - says "you're funny, pretty, smart, awesome to hang out with... i'm just not in love with you...something's just missing on my end..."

OUCH.

yep folks... that shit stung.

i liked him. i wanted it to work...
i was falling for him...
it'd only been 4 months - we were still getting to know each other...
just not sure why he felt the need to force love into the picture...when it should happen naturally...

sigh.

but such is my life.

perpetually single.
perpetually deemed unloveable.

what do i do wrong!?

i'm the perfect girlfriend.

i can be your friend and your girlfriend...
what more could someone want?!

i give - and give...and get nothing in return.

i put myself out there - only to get trampled on by someone who should have been dumped by me! not vice versa!!

I have PLENTY to offer... him not so much - and YET i was still able to look past that - and be happy and enjoy being with his sorry ass...

ugh.

why!?! why do i think it's okay to settle... and they don't?

i get so frustrated by it... i'm someone fantastic... they should be so lucky to even be in my presence...

i'm pretty, i'm smart in my own right, i'm funny as hell, energetic, sympathtic, i try to even cook... and yet... i'm never good enough...

never.

how is this possible?

honestly i haven't the slightest clue why this happens...

i saw the movie wall.e tonight... i had been dying to see it - me and said idiot had planned on seeing it together since we first even heard of it coming out months ago... and since the dumpage of me... i just couldn't picture myself seeing it with anyone but him...i have been putting it off...since it came out - we brokeup a week before wall.e came out - i was super bummed out by that... like couldn't you have waited at least a week?! so we could have seen it together? anyways... i digress... so i saw it tonight with my roomate... and well the whole time i got all choked up because i was thinking he should have been there -because i know how much he would have loved it. i totally fell in love with this movie - even before seeing it... and during it - it just completely engulfed my emotions - it's a love story. and well i do not have a love story.

so that totally got me depressed and the fact that this was "our" movie didn't help the case...

i hate that i'm a nostalgic person... i absolutely loathe it!! it's not fair...
stupid things, sounds, smells, locations, objects - completely trigger my memories and i get all sad by them... it's seriously a cruel joke to have a good memory. ugh.

he's online right now - and we're shooting the shit - and i'm upset right because - i wish he'd come to his sense... tell me he was an idiot for thinking otherwise... that he can't do better than me... that he wants to be with me...and love me....

but that won't ever happen.

i'm cursed with also being a romantic. ugh

My reality seriously bites!

i suck it up - pretend it doesn't bother me that much... i laugh it off - but deep down...
i'm still hurting...

when the fuck will i find someone who'll want me for me.
who'll love me for me.

when?!

does this such person exist...!?

i don't want to be alone...

i have EVERYTHING i could want need and yet i don't have that.
that is the only piece missing from my life.

i have a career, i have family, and friends...
i have my health... i have happiness... an independent spirit... love of discovery... carefree nature...

but no love.

where the fuck is my male counterpart?!

i'm trying the online dating thing - and no one appeals to me...
i'm still hung up on idiot.

i don't understand why though...
i just can't find anyone who can replace him right now... and it's super annoying.

not even some remote average joe... no one measures up.

when you find someone who's everything you've been looking for
he seriously hits my check list of what i want from a guy - looks and personality...

and yet.. I'm not good enough for him.

WTF.

that totally boils my blood.

it's absolutely not fair.

good morning?

hmm well it's 4:33am
I'm pretty awake at this hour... go figure.
I even took some Nyquil - no effect - maybe that's due to the fact that recently Nyquil took out the Alcohol agent - which makes people drowsey lol - oh well.

But that wasn't my intention, see I've been battling a cold this entire week - thanks to some filthy beast of a woman who was on my plane ride back to California from my brief trip to NYC to surprise my friends :)

Anyways... So my life's completely changed in the past 5 months.
I'm sitting up here waiting on my boyfriend to get off of work...
Yeah, I know what yuo're thinking...um boyfriend? Since when...
Well that story will be told in the previous blog entry, which honestly I don't even feel like finishing... I started it a couple weeks ago - and just thought of it makes me nauseous. It basically leads you up to what's happened in my life til now.
With some people who shouldn't even be mentioned, but because of them I am where I am. So eh, I guess they have to be mentioned... I'm just not up for the whole story telling... too much detail, annoyance and drama to mention - ya know?

My life right now - is peachy keen.
Yep, that's right folks, this girl is happy at the moment.
I sound like such an emo kid don't I? with all my random rantings... eh...whatever... I write this for me, not for you.

So lets see, I've just been hanging out - should have done my laundry - but I'm so damned lazy - laundry does not appeal to me, as it doesn't appeal to most.

Got home around 12:30am - so technically I could have done it by now...and had it nicely folded...but I didn't expect my bf to be late - and he didn't expect to get a last minute call at work especially not his first week back, and on his last day for the week... poor guy. :(

See, my boyfriend is a Forensic Specialist - CSI stuff... which is SUPER friggin cool...I'm such a dork - I get all excited about it.

Yay, I just got a txt from him, he's done - weeeee (by the way it's 4:45am) how the hell am I still awake!?

Anyways... so I've got my overnight bag all ready and by the door, next to a box of cookies that I picked up from ONLY the BEST cookie bakery in NYC - Levain Bakery - please check it out if you are ever in NYC...these cookies are massively delicious...I kid you not...for the bf. I kept talking about the cookies, I felt the need to prove to him how fantastic they were.

So I'm cutting this short - he's coming to pick me up.

Toodles kids!

xoxo - beezy.