Baffled.

Honestly, I don't know how this is possible...

But EVERYTIME, and I mean EVERYTIME that I try to convince myself to get over Luke, and just let it be,
and perhaps not persue this - whatever it is...

He contacts me.

ALWAYS.

How is this possible? How does he know?!

It never fails! I'm completely dumbfounded by this whole thing.

Everytime single time I tell myself, "eh maybe this won't work out, maybe I should just get over it and accept it for what it was, and forget about it..."

He will either leave me a message, email or call me.

I don't know if it's some kind of voodoo trick or what!?

But I'm totally bugging out all morning.

Last night I was kind of bummed and feeling lonely, but of course I thought about him, and was trying to sway myself into not thinking about him, which is well counterproductive as well know. So all night I'm tossing and turning thinking these things to myself:

"Don't think about him, let it go. It probably won't work out. It's too complicated. You don't know what he's up to over there. You might as well just accept it for what it was worth, and be glad you met someone awesome for once. Yes, it sucks that he's so far away, but maybe he's far for a reason. Maybe it's not supposed be..."

Then of course he contacts me. He leaves a message on my voicemail - Saying he was feeling sentimental and had to call me that he was thinking about me, and he misses me.

Sigh.

How can I feel this way about someone I know so little about?!?
And vice versa.

How!?!

I think about him a lot. I miss him. I just want to throw my arms around him and kiss him.
I haven't had this feeling in a very long time, if I've even ever had this feeling before.
I loved Al, but this is just different. I feel differently for Luke. Different in a wonderfully fantasticals kind of way!

Ok, that was gay.

I.Beezy out.

Arg. Frustration.

So trying not to obsess has only resulted in obsessing.

Whatever I've done today, whatever I've seen today, whatever I've heard today...
has all reminded me indirectly and directly of Luke.

Arg.

I'm trying not to think about him.

Because well, it's nothing serious, granted he's said some serious things to me. There is however, no foundation, no commitment.

I don't know what to think, if to think anything at all for that matter.

I like him, I like what I know, have met and seen.

But I don't know him - the kind of knowing someone that comes with dating...
I don't know those things, I know facts, and humor, and thoughts, but I do not know deep rooted things of his past, and vice versa, and I wouldn't even know how to begin a conversation via phone or email with those kinds of topics.

Things are totally different in person, the way someone acts, reacts, facial expressions, it's easier to let your guard down in person, because you can see how the other person interacts with you.

I feel disconnected from reality in a way, I hate this communication only via phone or email. I need more.

I'm a people person, I need to touch, talk, look, smell, etc... I need to use my senses.

I don't know what to think.
I don't know what he's thinking - I know what he's told me he's thinking but people say a lot of things. Sometimes, life gets in the way.

I feel like if he's supposed to be in my life he will be no matter what.
He came into my life for a reason. He changed my view of things, which is great. But I don't want that to be the last of his impression. I get scared that it might be.

Sometimes, I think about the future. I can see him in it. I can see him there a long time. I am comfortable with him. I'm myself on the phone and in emails. I don't hold back how I feel - so that is a good thing, I held back a lot with Al. I promised I wouldn't do that again. And so far I haven't even though we're nothing more than acquaintences at this point.

I do need a foundation. I need this to build up if it's going to work. If he also wants it to work, which he's stated he has, but we'll see. Actions speak louder than words. This phrase will constantly come up in my blogs because I believe very heavily in it. It is complete truth.

I have been worrying about my future lately.

I get upset at the thought of being alone. I don't mean completely alone, I will always have my family and friends, however I do mean alone as far as romance.

I'm twenty-seven years old. I'm not getting any younger, I'm not getting any better looking. And I get nervous that most guys I know usually go for girls who are youger, who are gorgeous, who have fantastic bodies. I cannot compete with those girls. I am who I am. I don't have legs for miles, I don't have a cute little button nose, or thick wavy hair.

I am me. Flaws and all, and I am REAL.

I am smart, I am funny, I am a quirky kind of pretty, and I am curvy.

I get nervous that I won't find anyone who can be true to me. It's hard to trust. But I know if the right person can prove to me he's worth it, then I'll let down my guard. I get so scared though. I hate the feeling of utter lost and heartache. Absolutely hate it.

It's the worst. But if you don't allow people in, you cannot experience those great things in life. You will not feel love.

With love comes pain. With pain comes love.

My future right now is uncertain.
The only thing I can do right now is go with the flow of things. So far, this flow of things hasn't let me down. We shall see as time goes on.

As for now, good night folks.

I.Beezy out.

Miss you.

You're far from me now
But thoughts of you linger
A smile creeps upon my lips
Memories of a night
One of sheer bliss
Soft caressing
Pure longing
My body craves you
Deep from within
Give me one touch
Perhaps even one kiss
The sweetest of feelings
All of which I deeply miss