So...

I told my mom about Luke.

She was kind of excited to hear about him. I kind of hesitated, naturally.
You don't want to rush, well I never want to rush to tell my folks about someone I just met, let alone, who I can't even bring to meet my folks...

It took me almost 2 yrs before my folks met Al.
So you can imagine. They never knew any of the other guys I've dated.
They met one by accident. Steve (what a whiney little bitch he was) lol...

Anyways, so I was telling mom about him. And even showed a picture. She thinks he's really really really goodlooking (cue in Zoolander voice) haha
Seriously though, she thought he was goodlooking, and I was like bragging about him, and how smart he is...yadda yadda. She was happy he's educated LOL and can drive. Sadly, this is the same things I was excited over! haha

I get so excited when talking about him. You can see my face light up. It's amazing how much of an effect someone can have on you.

My mom's noticed my moods. She knows I'm bummed about Cali and not moving just yet...the whole set back is not getting a job yet, it's killing me. I just want a job already so I can be on my merry little way to starting a new life.

I've never lived alone, I've never lived out of state. it's going to be exciting. New things - new place, new job, newer car, new love, new people, new life.

I'm totally going to miss everyone here! I really wish I could scoop everyone up and bring them with me...I don't know how I am going to manage without my core group.

Geeves and Clef are my best friends. I'm going to miss them terribly.
That is the only thing I will miss. Being able to just hang out with my girls on a whim... whenever we want. I'm getting all emotional now just thinking about it.

They are my family.

My real family will be out in Cali in no time. Of course I'll miss them for the time being. But my girls won't be moving to the Left coast, they'll be here - I'm going to try to visit them and do trips with them like we do now.

It just sucks.

They are a hugemongaloid part of my life. Man, I'm all teary eyed now.
Deep breaths. Wheewww

Ashly is trying to help me find a job, she even recruited John who just recently relocated to Cali to help me as well. I could use all the help I can get.

I miss Ashly too since she's moved, we chit chat online and such - and we crack eachother up when we're online or in person for that matter. So atleast I have a good friend when I move, but nothing compares to my PEAS - our dynamic is just one that can't be replaced.

Seriously I will be making tons of back and forth trips, along with vacations with my girls.

I also can't wait to begin my life with Luke, to experience new things with someone who is on the same level. Who gets it. We have TONS to learn about each other, but that's ok, that's what makes for a great relationship - keeping things going, you don't want to throw out all your cards at once, you want to learn slowly - keep it new and exciting. I have learned from past mistakes with Al. I won't do those same mistakes again. I will however bring the good parts of what I've learned with me.

I can't wait to see him. Just hug and kiss him. Throw my arms around him and lay on a huge smooch! AHHHHHH! I can't wait. And I know he can't wait either. hehe.

I'm in better spirits - granted this is the week that I chose to "move" Sept 21st came up really fast. I can't believe how fast this month has been.

Before I could blink it's already here. That's the depressing part - knowing that I chose a date, and it's going to pass. I feel like I don't know anything more than I did 2 months ago. So sad and disconcerning. Blah.

Anyways, before I get more down about all this, I'm going to keep it somewhat happy and say good night folks.

xoxo
Beezy's breezy

Selfish.

I know I'm being self centered lately.
Constantly thinking, talking about myself and my own life.
But who else will talk about those things? If not me? ha jk.

I've been having a pretty confusing, stressful, undermining week so far.

The job I wanted - I was denied.
The guy I've been talking to - M.I.A.
The job I currently have - I feel stuck
The move I was planning - on hold until further notice
The confidence I've had - gone
The physical goal I set myself - at a stand still

Honestly what the hell is going on?

Why. Yes, It's selfish to be complaining about these things, but this is what's important in my life at the moment, besides family and friends.

I have nothing going on in my life. I could be pmsing for all I know. But quite frankly, how did everything go from within reach to further away.

A week ago, things felt attainable. Now - not in the least.

I could be overracting, something I do a lot of. But still.

How does this "perfect guy" who tells me all these wonderful things go M.I.A completely? From speaking on the phone all day - everyday - to nothing, not even a single email.

A job which I thought I'd be a shoe in for - completely denied me.

A move which I set out in my head - will just simply have to wait.

All my friends constantly ask me - when I'm moving, when's my move date, when did I give my two weeks notice, when is my new job, where is my new job, where am I going to live...?

I have but one thing to say to all of that...

SHUT THE FUCK UP - and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

I have no idea, and constantly I repeat myself to the same people - I have no idea. YES that's my final answer. It's the only answer that I have at the moment.

I have no idea where my life is going at the moment - Sadly only a few months ago I was in this same boat... How have I returned here?? How?

I thought my life was going somewhere - things were taking off in the right direction... Everything now - is fucked.

I'm really upset by all of it.

California and the people in it, the promises of a new life - all seem to hate me.

I'm in a foul mood.

I've had enough of this week.

Off to bed for me to sulk some more.

This emo kid is out...

I.Beezy - the perpetual loser.

And So It Goes...

Luke said this song is how he feels towards me...
_____________________________________

Billy Joel - And So It Goes

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.
_____________________________________

Wow.
I believe I've found my soulmate.

Smitten.

To love someone you don't know that well.
To have trust in someone you don't know that well.
To feel security with someone you don't know that well.
To just know - that this someone might be the one.
To have someone feel the exact SAME things as you do.

It all seems crazy, but I just don't know how to explain it.
It's a freak occurance, and I'm running with it, and so is he.

The emotions I feel with him. It's all new. None I've felt before.
Sure I've been in love once - my first love. But honestly this is undescribable.

For the first time in my life, I haven't second guessed myself. I have spoken my mind. It's incredible to find someone who is just as open, honest. I am beside myself.

I am intrigued by him, wanting to know everything there is to know. I want to be in his life - as he does my life.

Kindred spirits - Soulmates - Kismet - Destiny, whatever you want to call it.
I don't know how it happened but honestly - it is a dream come true.

Everything I've been looking for - he really does exists.

All smiles, all the time.

xoxo i.beezy.