Just Breathe.

I read this quote today, and well it's pretty true to life I must say...

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

It's a good quote from a movie that I did not see...cus well it seems way too sappy and chick flicky "The Holiday". I'll probably never watch it, but I'm glad I found this quote by accident...hehe

This is exactly how I am feeling lately. That life seems so long ago, yes, I rehashed it and missed things from it. But it's long gone and done with. Yes, I'm glad I went through some of the experiences that came with that relationship, but I'm eager to find something newer and better. Something substantial. I feel like at this point in my life, most of that relationship was immature.

I feel I've grown so much. I think back to how I was, who I was...I'm not the same. I've learned, changed. It's a great feeling to know that you've progressed. Especially after so much of missing, crying, reminiscing...etc. I actually grew tired of reminiscing... It's like okay that was then...this is now... I want now. I value the NOW more than I do the THEN.

I'm actually happy with everything. The happiest I've been in years. No misery, no torment, no annoying stress outside of work related things. It's great.

I can breathe. And I want to inhale the world...haha now I sound like a pothead.

I don't know how to describe it, there really aren't words, it's just a tremendous feeling.

I am my own person. I am as independent as I can get at the moment. I have my own life. I don't revolve around someone else's schedule or life anymore.

I can't believe it's already mid-June. Insane!

September is right around the corner...you know what that means! West Coastage!

There's not much exciting going on in my life lately. Just laying low, relaxing and hanging with my friends when I get a chance, also helping my folks when I am needed (most days).

But other than that, nothing crazy.

I'm ready to date but I've discussed this time and time again, no opportunities. And having a crush that is unattainable is just well plain dumb, but that's where I am at right now.

Celeb crushes and unattainable ones. Blah.

Anyways, its about that time.

G'night folks!

xoxo I.Beezy

New Day, New Life.

Today is a new day.

I woke up this morning...relieved.
Happy about my life.
So glad that my ex is no longer apart of it.
And decided to stop whining about us not being together.
I know, I know what a relief for you not to have to read about it anymore...lol

It's an amazing feeling, a realization how I've changed, grown and progressed in my life, and well he hasn't. And that folks makes me feel 210% more superior with how my life is turning out.

He will forever rehash the same relationship with new girl after new girl. It will always be the same. I however have learned from mine and his mistakes from that relationship that we had (many moons ago).

Wow. This is huge. Like a weight has been lifted. I don't know how this happened overnight but I am so thankful. It totally showed me how much better I am without that kind of immature dramarama in my life. I'm an adult now. I am strong, sucessful, smart, pretty, funny, determined and ambitious. I am more than that as well. I have so much going for myself. And here I was selling my worth short. No more.

I can finally see through the haze that's been hanging over me. Thank you God. Seriously.

I can't emphasize it enough! I'm elated, enthused, every damn word in the dictionary/thesaurus that means happy and relieved.

Haha.

So happy for my friends to be in my life. I wouldn't trade them for anything, which makes my move to Cali hard. But I know they will be there for me, if things get hard. I will always be there for them as well.

So from this day forward I have washed my hands on Al (my ex) Good bye, good riddence.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!

I can't get rid of this smile - it's fantastic.

I can't wait for my new life in California. Everything in my life is wonderful.
I am blessed - I am not a religious person, more spiritual, and well, I just can't thank everything that has brought me to this level and point in my life.

High 5!!

Let the new life begin! Sans drama and BS. haha

xoxo
i.beezy

Quiet.

Sometimes, I just need to keep to myself. I need to think before I act.
Tonight isn't any acception.

So I went to the Deftones' concert. Had a GREAT time.
But when I went to the bathroom, I ran into my ex's gf's friend (whom doesn't know that I know who she is...you got that?) Of course panic sets in..."omg my ex is here, he's here with his gf..." yadda yadda.. - I'm an idiot.
So i text him "hey are you at the deftones concert - saw your gfs friend here" then of course to which I receive a phone call from his gf asking me why I have his number, bla bla bla... FUN TIMES. Of course this doesn't ruin my mood though, or my buzz for that matter... But regardless, I shouldn't have texted him. I'm a moron.
And I should learn from my idiotic mistakes.

This kid needs to get the fuck out of my head and heart.

I hate him. I'm so stupid for texting - I got dragged into their drama, spent 3 <-- count them THREE hours on the phone with his gf...rehashing my relationship with him and her issues with him, and how immature and socially inept, and stubborn he is. Seriously, from what I know this kid hasn't changed one bit, and this poor girl is just my stand in. I feel bad. She's going through the SAME exact relationship I went though AND they're doing the SAME exact things I did with him. It's rather sick if you think about it.

Granted I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. It's been a year and a half. I should really get over it by now. I just can't get over the fact that he's in a relationship with someone and here I am perfectly awesome and yet single. Pfft... shit just boggles the mind. But honestly, I wish I had thought about the reprocussions before going through the motion, but isn't that always the case??

Ugh.

Anyways, so now, do I seem pathetic to her? Probably not, cus I stated my case and reasoning for the text, but to myself...see that's the person who really matters here, I am just pathetic in my own eyes for doing such a thing. I just can't believe I stooped to that level... I should have deleted his number a long time ago. He is no one to me now. Yes, he was someone, to me a LONNNNNNG time ago...but not anymore. He's just a stranger to me now. And it sucks that me and his gf have a common bond. We seriously chatted without argument for 3 hrs. She's really nice, and surprisingly smart, and she knows what she's gotten herself into, however, she is 21 and she is also blinded by love, like I was once.

I didn't say anything bad about him, and I could have. But I didn't. I said he was a great bf when he wanted to be...That I don't really blame him anymore, of course I embellished the fact that I had a significant other, and romantically I was happy...which of all is bogus, but who needs to know!

Regardless, though I do not want him back, he isn't someone I would want now. He was perfect for me when I was growing up, when WE were growing up together, we learned from each other. He will have my heart...but hopefully not for long anymore. First loves are so hard to get over. It's really irritating to me now. Sometimes I just think "why the hell can't I get over him" and it's a rhetorical question, cus I know why, it's because there's no one in my life now who can take that place yet. And well that alone aggitates me. Because, I'm awesome, and deserve someone who is equally great as myself...but he's no where to be found.

Anywaysssss it's 4am my buzz is long gone. I spent so many hours on the phone with this poor girl. Who I shouldn't even be talking to...ha... I know I am ridiculous. Say no more.

Moral of the story... think before you act.

God I wish I had, I could have saved those minutes! haha
This is what I get for being a retard.

"make my bed, and now I'll lie in it..." So the saying goes...

Ceste la vie... Such is life.

I'll live, I wish nothing but happiness for him and his gf. He deserves to be happy, and so do I.

Karma baby... as Justin Timberlake put it... "what goes around comes around..."
So I tried to set things right...

I made it uber clear that I didn't want him - which I definitely don't!!
Ugh, this drama I caused though, could have easily been avoid.

Doh! Next time seriously - there won't be a next time, you can trust me on that!

Alright it's about that time kiddos, Good night...
This retard is out!

xoxo i.beezy.

Bye bye May, Hello June!

It's the last few days of May, and I'm still trying to remember how it even got to May, let alone now that it's already ending. Geez, time seriously flies by. This is just ridiculous.

So here I am in California. Beautiful blue skies. Beach winds coming off the surf and gently wash over me, as I sit in the cool sand, book in hand, and staring out into the ocean. And then of course the song by Incubus pops into my head Dig.

"I dig my toes into the sand.
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across the blue plain.
I lean against the wind.
Pretend that I am weightless.
and in this moment I am happy... happy."

Although for the rest of the song, I'll dedicate to my friends, since I don't have a significant other...hehe, of course I wished at that moment all my friends were here. I'm going to miss EVERYONE once I move. It is going to SUCK. No doubt about it. But I'm being selfish, and moving for my happiness. So I mean while it will be hard not having everyone around me anymore, it will bring light to who I am. What I am capable of as an adult. I've never been alone. Never. This will be a test. I know I will be fine, because while in the past I haven't been put to such tests, I know that I am determined to make a life for myself out here. Maybe not permanent. I haven't ruled this move as permanent, I just know that it's what I need to do for now. Maybe two years from now, I may move back, who knows, two years is a ways off, and how do you find out if something will work out, if you don't try it first. So trial and error. I will learn.

I'm excited and completely afraid at the same time. I'm absolutely sure that is the appropriate response for things such as this. It's a huge change in the little Biosphere in which I live. But I'm embracing it.

However, sadly, I've come to the point where I actually like my job more and more, and well the company and it's people are awesome, and I know for a fact that I won't meet people like that at another job, it's a rare find, but I will take it for all it is worth, and keep those who were close as friends with me through my life.

Going to compeletly miss ALL of my friends. Each have contributed to my life in many different ways, all are different from each other, and I loved everyone for that! The best people I have ever have met! It will be so hard knowning I can't meet up for dinner and drinks or that occasional movie and dinner to catch up! Oh man it's going to be hard! But I hope that I will have frequent visitors!! My doors will always be open, and I will definitely rack up my frequent flyer miles!! That I can promise!! I'm getting all faclempt (think Linda Richmond).

I'm going to miss my home - the house I grew up in. All my familiarities. My neighborhood. All things of comfort. And it's not like I can go back and visit my old house and room. There won't be any to visit. It won't be mine anymore. And that gets me upset to think of that. But you have to move on. Those are just material things. I have all the memories I need stored up in my head, I think most of all I'm scared I may forget them, since I won't be around it anymore. That gets me all teary eyed for sure. It sucks. I wish my folks could stay in our house. I love that house, and I know they do too. They worked so hard for it, and it's horrible to know that they won't be able to retire in it. They too have to start over. However, they're move is permanent, mine is or isn't.

I don't know what the future holds. Uncertainty gets me on edge. I don't feel comfortable knowing things aren't going to go as planned, or how I want them to, but I have to prepared to deal with that. I am ready for that end.

Who knows I may hate it here. All I've known is vacationing in California since the age of sixteen. It has been eleven years of visiting the West Coast. All those times I love it, but that's only because I know I go back home to New York. We'll see what happened when there is no home in New York to go back to. The though irks me, but it's what is going to be my reality. I will have to make the best of it. Otherwise what was the whole point of trying someplace new, when I could have easily stayed in Queens something I know backwards, forwards and inside out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely excited to move, I just wish my folks could retire in our home is all. It's going to be hard on them too.

I've planned on moving in September 2007. But who knows if that will be the right month. Everyone keeps asking me, I keep repeating yea, sometime in September. But honestly it all depends on when I start looking for a job, when I get the job, and when I start. It all relies on those factors.

Anyways, I'm working myself up into a tizzy. It's Tuesday night 12:35am PST and I'm stupidly emotional haha.

I have to say I did totally enjoy walking down to the beach, sitting on the sand and reading my book and the waves rolled in. It was absolutely relaxing, and the funny thing was, I didn't mind sitting there alone. It was nice I must admit.

I rarely do things alone. And well it was nice for a change. I got to enjoy some Iris Time.

So tomorrow is another day here. I'm here until Saturday. This is one busy week for me. I'm glad I did make it a full week. Anyways it's about that time. I will probably post back tomorrow.

Peace out cubscouts!

xoxo i.beezy

allow myself to introduce...uh...myself.

I was a hyper-active child, that hasn't changed.
I had the baddest motorized Big Wheel in town.
I went clubbing at the age of 6, thanks to my big sister.
My parents have been in love for 40 yrs, I look forward to having that too one day.
I had the most latenesses and abscences in both the entire Elementary and Junior High Schools that I attended.
I inherited my lateness from my Mommy.
People thought I was Punky Brewster when I was little.
I can sit and watch Discovery Channel and Animal Planet all day.
Admitted Science Nerd (but i keep it on the down low).
I like to find out how everything works.
I can name the breed of most any dog that I see on the street. Should have been a Vet.
Grew up with my two boy cousins Getty and Dave (hi guys!).
We used to play WWF - fun times.
I punched a boy named Jimmy in the face when I was in 7th Grade. He kept making fun of me.
If you see him now, tell him I'd do it again if I saw him...haha.
I used to be a little trouble maker - still am.
Favorite Muppets are Animal and Cookie Monster - hate Elmo.
Hot Wheels, Legos and Transformers over Barbie any day.
I sold my Barbies at a Garage Sale at age 10.
Stapled my fingers together by accident once.
I can do a pretty good Russian accent.
I hate White Chocolate. ew.
Smarter than I Let On.
Love to Dance.
I love Hockey and Football, especially going to watch it live.
I love going to Concerts!
I have found and lost my First Love, I would like to find and keep my Last Love.
I can Boogieboard with the best of them.
I will be West Coast Bound real soon.
I am determined to learn how to Surf.
I love to learn new and old things.
Rough houser.
I can Ski pretty well, I'm eager to Snowboard.
Sarcastic.
LOVE to TRAVEL!
Absolutely love love love Roller Coasters!
Music soothes my soul.
I want to Sky Dive!!!
Not Afraid to Make an Ass Out of Myself.
Loud.
Silly.
I've Swam with Sharks in the Caribbean.
Hate Bugs.
I'm good at Ping Pong, horrible at Beer Pong.
I love PUMA.
I hate tying my shoes.
I still use the Bunny Ears Method to tie my shoes.
I still have my Baseball Card Collection.
Wanted to be an Anthropologist.
An African Safari is on my Must-Do List.
Almost became a tennis pro - that dream was shutdown.
Art is my life.
I train surf, I skeeze the Subway.
Almost Drowned in Mexico.
Not Afraid to Answer Questions.
I'll tell you if you have a booger hanging out.
I'm very Observant.
I'm a Mintaholic.
I can solve the Rubik's Cube and Rubik's Triangle.
Love Spontaneity!
I love Bubblegum, but it gives me a headache after a while of chewing.
I love love love Bear Hugs!
I love Cartoons.
I love Prosecco.
FIRENZE.
I like people (sometimes).
Never had a Cavity.
Don't have any Tattoos.
I don't mind the smell of Gasoline, Rubber Cement or Sharpies.
I like who I am becoming.
I'm a big kid at heart.
I know a little of everything and a lot of nothing.

(all the above is true.)

xoxo i.beezy

time flies...

so i sat down and actually counted...
it has officially been one year and four months since me and my ex boyfriend broke up. Which also means he's made it to one year in a new relationship.

I don't know what's worse? Knowing he's capable of finding love with someone else, or knowing that I have yet to meet someone better than him. I think the latter for sure. It's horrible knowing that I haven't found anyone. I'm not even that picky. There are just no opportunities. No matter where I go. I never get hit on, sure I get occasional looks here and there, but nothing else. I never see anyone cute on the train. No one at work who is good looking is straight. None of my friends have single guy friends, they themselves are searching as well. Just gets me frustrated.
Hmph.

I really hope things are different in California. I'm almost thirty for christ's sake! It makes me tre sad.

Honestly I haven't met anyone. I don't know what to do. I sit home nothing happens, I go out nothing happens. I don't want to even think about the fact that I may end up alone for the rest of my life, its disturbing. I want a family. Not a test tube baby or to adopt and raise on my own. That's not the kind of life I want.

I'm plenty busy with my life. I barely have time for myself. They always say "you meet someone when you least expect it, when you're busy doing something else" okay, so now, what happens when you're doing that something else, and that "someone" i'm supposed to meet hasn't shown up? Hmm...apparently no one thought about that half of the equation. Grr

So what now?

Random thought. It's just been really pissing me off, knowing that someone like my ex boyfriend is as happy as a pig in mud. And here I am still searching for that somebody that will rock my socks.

One year and four months.

In less than 6 months, I will be moving to California. Maybe things will work out there, but if they don't what do I do then?

Ugh, I hate living with uncertainty. I need to know! Tell Me!

Anyways, it's late and I should get to bed. Gnite stupid bizarro world where idiots run a muck in fields of happiness while us awesome individuals hang our heads low and hope for something better. Le Sigh.

Peace out cubscouts.

xoxo i.beezy

speaks to the soul...

Ok recently I downloaded this song by Chris Daughtry
The song is called Over You.
And well the lyrics are very fitting.
------------------------------------
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought to doubt you;
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
------------------------------------
Just thought I'd share. :)

xoxo i.beezy