rollercoaster life anyone?

one minute i'm up...the next i'm down...

so guess who's single again?
take a wilddddd guess...
no? not sure?
yup... me.

AGAIN.

wtf.

So i liked this guy a lot.
he was perfect - so i thought
i knew something had to be wrong with him...
he was too perfect... - he was everything i'd been looking for...everything...
and guess where he falls short - completely short - in the emotionally available department.
i found it...i was looking for the defect... and i found it.

he's emotionally unavailable...and i don't know why.

i didn't do anything to trigger it.
things on my end were fine.

he just out of the blue - says "you're funny, pretty, smart, awesome to hang out with... i'm just not in love with you...something's just missing on my end..."

OUCH.

yep folks... that shit stung.

i liked him. i wanted it to work...
i was falling for him...
it'd only been 4 months - we were still getting to know each other...
just not sure why he felt the need to force love into the picture...when it should happen naturally...

sigh.

but such is my life.

perpetually single.
perpetually deemed unloveable.

what do i do wrong!?

i'm the perfect girlfriend.

i can be your friend and your girlfriend...
what more could someone want?!

i give - and give...and get nothing in return.

i put myself out there - only to get trampled on by someone who should have been dumped by me! not vice versa!!

I have PLENTY to offer... him not so much - and YET i was still able to look past that - and be happy and enjoy being with his sorry ass...

ugh.

why!?! why do i think it's okay to settle... and they don't?

i get so frustrated by it... i'm someone fantastic... they should be so lucky to even be in my presence...

i'm pretty, i'm smart in my own right, i'm funny as hell, energetic, sympathtic, i try to even cook... and yet... i'm never good enough...

never.

how is this possible?

honestly i haven't the slightest clue why this happens...

i saw the movie wall.e tonight... i had been dying to see it - me and said idiot had planned on seeing it together since we first even heard of it coming out months ago... and since the dumpage of me... i just couldn't picture myself seeing it with anyone but him...i have been putting it off...since it came out - we brokeup a week before wall.e came out - i was super bummed out by that... like couldn't you have waited at least a week?! so we could have seen it together? anyways... i digress... so i saw it tonight with my roomate... and well the whole time i got all choked up because i was thinking he should have been there -because i know how much he would have loved it. i totally fell in love with this movie - even before seeing it... and during it - it just completely engulfed my emotions - it's a love story. and well i do not have a love story.

so that totally got me depressed and the fact that this was "our" movie didn't help the case...

i hate that i'm a nostalgic person... i absolutely loathe it!! it's not fair...
stupid things, sounds, smells, locations, objects - completely trigger my memories and i get all sad by them... it's seriously a cruel joke to have a good memory. ugh.

he's online right now - and we're shooting the shit - and i'm upset right because - i wish he'd come to his sense... tell me he was an idiot for thinking otherwise... that he can't do better than me... that he wants to be with me...and love me....

but that won't ever happen.

i'm cursed with also being a romantic. ugh

My reality seriously bites!

i suck it up - pretend it doesn't bother me that much... i laugh it off - but deep down...
i'm still hurting...

when the fuck will i find someone who'll want me for me.
who'll love me for me.

when?!

does this such person exist...!?

i don't want to be alone...

i have EVERYTHING i could want need and yet i don't have that.
that is the only piece missing from my life.

i have a career, i have family, and friends...
i have my health... i have happiness... an independent spirit... love of discovery... carefree nature...

but no love.

where the fuck is my male counterpart?!

i'm trying the online dating thing - and no one appeals to me...
i'm still hung up on idiot.

i don't understand why though...
i just can't find anyone who can replace him right now... and it's super annoying.

not even some remote average joe... no one measures up.

when you find someone who's everything you've been looking for
he seriously hits my check list of what i want from a guy - looks and personality...

and yet.. I'm not good enough for him.

WTF.

that totally boils my blood.

it's absolutely not fair.